The Rev. Dr. John Toles
Bilbo Baggins, in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit, was stuck in the cave with Gollum and they began their riddling contest. After a few, Gollum put the following riddle to Bilbo:
“It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt,
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills,
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.”
Any guesses, My Preciouses? Continue reading “Sermon: Christmas Day RCL A – “Light””
A telemarketer called a home one day and Little Johnny answered. In a small voice Johnny whispered, “Hello?” The telemarketer said, “Hello! What’s your name?” Still whispering, the voice said, “Johnny.” “How old are you, Johnny?” “I’m four.” “Good. Is your mother home?” “Yes, but she’s busy.” “Okay, is your daddy home?” “He’s busy too.” “I see, who else is there?” “The police.” “The police? May I speak with one of them?” “They’re busy.” “Any other grown-ups there?” “The firemen.” “May I speak with a fireman, please?” “They’re all busy.” “Johnny, all those people in your house, and I can’t talk with any of them? What are they doing?” With a little snicker and a bit too gleefully Johnny whispered, “Looking for me.” Continue reading “Sermon: Christmas Eve RCL A – “Hiding””
Tradition tells us that following the Ascension of Jesus, the twelve apostles drew straws to determine where they would go to proclaim the Gospel. The Apostle Thomas, who we celebrate today, drew India.
Scott Wesley Brown wrote the lyrics to a rather humorous song. He says things like, “I’ll see that the money is gathered / I’ll see that the money is sent / I’ll volunteer for the nursery / I’ll usher, I’ll deacon , I’ll go door to door / Just let me keep warming this seat,” and the chorus kicks in, “Please don’t send me to Africa.” Continue reading “Sermon: Thomas”
One legend tells us that when God was about to create man, He took into His counsel the angels that stood about his throne. “Create him not,” said the angel of Justice, “for if You do he will commit all kinds of wickedness against his fellow men; he will be hard and cruel and dishonest and unrighteous.” “Create him not,” said the angel of Truth, “for he will be false and deceitful to his brother-man, and even to You.” “Create him not,” said the angel of Holiness, “he will follow that which is impure in Your sight, and dishonor You to Your face.”
Then stepped forward the angel of Grace (God’s best beloved) and said: “Create him, our Heavenly Father, for when he sins and turns from the path of justice and truth and holiness I will take him tenderly by the hand, and speak loving words to him, and then lead him back to You.” Continue reading “Sermon: Advent 4 RCL A – “Grace””
Born into a destitute family in 1542, John of the Cross knew what it meant to rely solely on God. Later he would join the Carmelite order and later come in to contact with another great mystic, Teresa of Avila. Teresa had a desire to reform the order and recruited John to help, but when the monks in his monastery discovered what he was up to, they kidnapped him, locked him in cell, and beat him three times a week for nine months, until he was able to escape. For many, that would have driven them from God, but for John, it drove him closer, so that he understood that we should seek to separate ourselves from everything – both good and evil – so that we might find union with God.
In the Ascent of Mt. Carmel, John writes, “The soul that is attached to anything however much good there may be in it, will not arrive at the liberty of divine union. For whether it be a strong wire rope or a slender and delicate thread that holds the bird, it matters not, if it really holds it fast; for, until the cord be broken the bird cannot fly.” Continue reading “Sermon: John of the Cross”
Little Johnny sat on Santa’s lap and gave him the entire list. When he was done, Santa handed him a candy cane. When he only stared at it, his mother asked, “What do you say to Santa for your candy cane?” Johnny thought for a moment and as he was hopping down, said, “Charge it!”
The world’s wisdom tells us that when you come to the realization that money can’t buy happiness, its time to get some credit cards. I suppose there are times when we all feel the financial pinch, but Christmas, with all the gifts and parties, can really test the limit.
After receiving a rather expensive gift the receiver of the gift wrote the following thank you note to the giver:
I must express my gratitude for such a lovely gift. Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched only by your thrift. It’s clear that you spared all expense, if you catch my drift. Remove the anti-theft device when you again shoplift.
One penny pincher sent a gift and included the following note: Continue reading “Sermon: Advent 3 RCL A – “The Invincible, Irrefutable Gift””
Why I keep thinking of Edgar Allen Poe’s works these days, I’ve no idea, but here’s a bit from the opening stanza of The Raven:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
A little later, “Nevermore.”
I was reminded of that when I thought on all the noise and distractions, all the rapping rapping and tapping tapping of the world. All those noises and distractions, from cell phones to the internet to co-workers interrupting can have such an impact on productivity that companies have begun to study it. These studies indicate that it takes four minutes to get back on task following an interruption, so if your cellphone chimes ten times a day for personal business and you are on the call or responding to a text for two minutes, then between the call or text and the recovery time, you’ve lost an hour of work. All the time lost in a year cost businesses about $800 billion in lost salaries. That may not bother you much if you are the one getting the paycheck, but all the noise harms us in other ways. Continue reading “Sermon: Advent 2 RCL A – “Noise!””
Many a rednecks last words can be summed up in the simple phrase, “Dude, hold my beer.” Others’ last words range from the humorous to the sad to the profound.
Murderer James W. Rodgers was put in front of a firing squad in Utah and asked if he had a last request. He replied, “Bring me a bullet-proof vest.”
Humphrey Bogart said, “I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.”
At the deathbed of Joan Crawford, a housekeeper began to pray. Joan snapped, “Dammit… Don’t you dare ask God to help me.”
Recognizing that he would die before being able to reverse the official state endorsement of Christianity, Emperor Julian proclaimed, “You have won, O Galilean.”
Voltaire, when asked by a priest to renounce Satan is reported to have said, “Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.” Continue reading “Sermon: St. Andrew and the Blessing of the Columbarium”
Thibideaux took his pet duck to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the duck’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your duck has died.”
“What?” Thibideaux screamed, “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador retriever. The retriever sniffed the duck on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the retriever shook its head and barked once. The Vet shook his head and said, “Not looking good.”
Next, the vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with an old gray cat, which also sniffed carefully over the duck on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow.”
“Nope,” said the vet. “This here duck is dead.” Then he handed Thibideaux a bill for $600. Thibideaux shook the bill at the vet. “$600! Just to tell me my duck is dead?! That’s outrageous!” Continue reading “Sermon: Advent 1 RCL A- “Waiting””
Candle in a Cave 