All

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?”

The man says, “Methodist.”

St. Peter looks down his list and says, “Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?”

“Lutheran.”

“Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?”

“Episcopalian.”

“Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?” Continue reading “Sermon: Proper 17 RCL C – “Take a Seat””

A lawyer purchased a box of 24 very expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month he had smoked them all and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the insurance policy, filed a claim. He stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ Obviously the insurance company refused to pay. The lawyer sued and won! The judge agreed that the lawsuit was frivolous, but stated nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.

However, the lawyer’s celebration was brief. Continue reading “Sermon: Proper 16 RCL C – “Technicalities””

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova’ here a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an’ me is doing basically da same work?” Continue reading “Sermon: Proper 15 RCL C – “Truth and Humility””

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond’s Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.  In response, one of the local churches started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers.  Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.  Afterwards, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer,” until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church “was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.”  In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.  The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply and at the opening hearing he commented, Continue reading “Sermon: Proper 12 RCL C – “Teach Us to Pray””

True story: In the early 1950’s an upholsterer from San Francisco was called into a doctor’s office to reupholster the chairs in the waiting room. As he discussed the chairs and options with the doctor, he said, “People don’t wear out chairs this way.” The problem: it was just the front edge of the chairs that were worn. Further back in the seat was just fine. Five years later, the same problem appeared.

It was in 1959 that Drs. Friedman and Rosenman began to put the pieces together. They had noticed an odd pattern shared by many of their patients, a pattern that centered on a “chronic sense of time urgency.” Patients showed irritability at being made to wait in line, had difficulty relaxing, and were anxious over delays. Obsessed with not wasting a moment, they spoke quickly, interrupted often, hurried those around them, and were forever rushing. Hence the waiting room chairs: the patients sat on the edge of their seats, nervously fidgeting at the arms of the chairs as they watched time tick by. Continue reading “Sermon: Proper 11 RCL C – “Stop Moving””

The audio version of the sermon can be found here.

You won’t like this story. You may even get mad at me for telling it:

There were two great rivals, both lovers of art and literature, Jerome and Sasha.  One day, while going through an antique shop, Jerome came across what he thought to be an authentic genie’s lamp, so paying for it he took it home.  After hiding himself in his office he began to rub the lamp and call to the genie.  Amazingly enough, after just a few moments a cloud of smoke billowed out of the spout and in the center of the cloud was a genie.  Jerome was elated.  The genie said to him, “I am here to grant you three wishes, but there is a catch, for everything I do for you, I will do twice for your greatest rival Sasha.”  Jerome thinks for a while and then says, “Fine.  For my first wish I would like to have an enormous house and in it the greatest collection of art in the world.”   The genie gives a nod and a wink and poof, all the great masterpieces are suddenly Jerome’s.”  A moment later the phone rings, it is Sasha. Continue reading “Sermon: Proper 10 RCL C – “Neighbors””